I just received the news that my sis, who I have not seen in the last 4 years, has finally decided to pay us mortals a visit. She is living in the Big Apple and has a pretty happening life... First things first, I mailed her a list of things I need (which encompasses everything I can dream of). She just had one condition :
"You have to come all the way home to meet me, even if it is for a day"
Umm... My home is 24 hrs away by train and I cant afford airfare. I was checking out the holidays and guess what, 21-23 Oct are holidays... My happiness had no bounds.
With a spring in my step, I went to the PGP Chairman for permission to go home (we need permission if we want to step out of Manipal)

Me: Excuse me Sir, I request you to permit to go home during Diwali
Him: Go on, I am listening
Me (very nervous): My long lost sis is coming from the USA... I have not seen her in 4 yrs and we do have hols from 21-23 Oct
Him: Hols? You have hols? Show me the schedule. Hols for Diwali? Since when did TAPMI declare a holiday for Diwali?
Me (showing the holiday list)
Him: Oh that... that holiday is only for the employees... the Director does not have hols, PGP Chairman does not have hols... Hostel wardens do not have hols... students do not have hols. We are all on-call 24 hrs. I understand it is an emotional decision... you want to meet your sis, but we will have classes even on Diwali.
Me: Sir, what if I do not have classes? What if I am free? Can I go then?
Him: Hmm... you will have to check the schedule once it is available... and anyway, there will always be group work if there are no classes. If you leave then, it will be dereliction of duty. See, I do understand. When I was working, I could not attend my sister's engagement... She is still angry with me and has come to my house only once... that also for one day only. But what could I do, on one hand was the engagement.. on the other hand, there were 700 people depending on me. I chose the latter.
Me: Thank you Sir... I will check the schedule and get back to you...

It got me thinking... How professional should we be? Where do we draw the line? Work or family? Head or heart? When I was in my 11th and 12th std... I had given up everything and everyone... I stopped going out, hanging out with friends, stopped making friends... my studies came before everyone... all the distractions were discarded.... Nobody forced me to do it... It was a conscious decision. I wanted good grades and I let nothing come in the way. I met my best friend Monica just once in the 2 yrs even though we were in the same city... My parents and siblings put my need first since they didnt want to inconvenience me... I wanted to be a Doctor, just like my Dad...

When I started preparation for CAT, I wouldnt let anybody disturb me... Friends and family were again put on the back burner...

Now at TAPMI, I am wondering if all my life I will have to put relationships on the back burner... will I have to give up the heart for the head? Will my family (when I have one) end up complaining that I never give them time? There are a lot of times, when friends ask me for time and I cant be there becasue I have to work... Will be end up as the over-worked Manager who is too busy to be with her family? I love working... I really do... but...

I am afraid my head will rule over heart because I am scared of losing control over my life...
I am afraid I will not let go because I am scared of what I cannot see...
I am afraid history will repeat itself because I am scared to learn the lessons...
I am afraid I have lost a part of me because I have been fool hardy...
I am afraid I have lesser things to say because I am scared of what others will think of me...
I am afraid I have lost the ability to love because the heartbreak has scarred me so...
I am afraid I will not be fair to you because everyday I question what I am doing...
I am afraid... just afraid and hoping and praying you will help me drive away the fear...