Saturday, July 01, 2006

My b'day is on 11th June and I am pretty wierd when it comes to b'days. I like it to be perfect... not perfect as in elaborate celebrations but perfect as in having ONLY people I care about around. My parents stopped giving a b'day party when I moved to a hostel (I was in the 2nd std). Since we never had summer vacations (Mt. Abu is too cold in winters to inhabit, we had winter vacations), I celebrated them in school. I would distribute sweets and that was about it. There was no concept of gifts and anything. If ever I was home, my mom would bake a cake and prepare a good meal. All my friends were too far away to come home for just a b'day.
Last year was one of the best b'days I have ever had... mainly 'coz I was joining TAPMI... so, there was a sense of nostalgia. I am very particular about the people I spend my day with. Only my best friends were invited and they brought me gifts from the list I had given them (I am particular about the gifts too... I hate it when someone gifts something without a thought... its the thought that ultimately matters).
I spent my b'day on the train this year. But I reached home before midnight, so it was ok. Today I treated my friends and actually celebrated it. The conversation at dinner obviously centered around me; but it was basically stupid jokes which kept flying about.
People here think I have changed. They are right, I have. But I cannot explain what has changed. That is too personal. A part of me is lost, and I am glad. It has brought more pain than joy... naah, it did bring joy and confidence. Maybe I am left with heart break and arrogance now... as long as there is no loneliness and no hope.
Hope deceives.
I wonder if I am compromising. Is compromise so bad? Don't all of us have to compromise at some point or other? Is love over-rated? Love is blind and obssessive. It brings you to unimaginable (lower) levels. I'd rather be with someone I am not obssessed with but I genuinely respect.
I am 23. Girls at 23 face a big dilemma. In the earlier days, by 23 girls were married off and it worked fine. But now they have a career. They are looking for a serious relationship but not marriage. I mean, commitment has to be there... but marriage will come later. Guys younger than 23 only want to get laid. Guys around 23 just want to have relationships but cannot think of marriage, while guys around 25 are so desperate they are looking for gharelu girls for marriage. This sounds like some column from 'Sex and the City'.
Yawn!!! We have 'interaction session' with the juniors... hope it is not anything like what we went through. I wonder why I kept in under wraps instead of telling everyone exactly what we were made to do.